1. 5 months ago 

   After two nights back to back GMing where things didn’t go well my confidence has definitely taken a plunge.

   
   First, Tuesday night, I ran a quick Gamma World one shot.  I know it isn’t the best or most creative; it was more an exercise in putting something together.  I’d run this once before and it was a lot of fun, but this time our usual GM was a player and he was on his cell phone the whole time and it just started getting to me.  I couldn’t tell if anyone else was having fun.  I was sortof having fun but was trying to figure out why he just wouldn’t interact with the game.

   
   Then last night I was going to try my hand at GMing a Smallville/Harry Potter session/episode.  The other two guys who had run sessions made it look soooooooooooooooooo easy; Set it up and let the characters work their own way out.  I set it up and it fell flat on its face.  I was already so far gone with anxiety (a few other things besides gaming had piled on my plate causing my stress to be through the roof) that I just couldn’t roll with the punches.  I wanted to, but I just couldn’t.  We ended up abandoning the session 10 minutes in.  Part of that was me.  I’d already had a crying spell in the bathroom.  I was trying hard to hold it together.  I refused to cry in front of everyone.  There’s a pressure as a girl hanging out with the boyfriend and his friends to not be the girl, that girl, the hormonal emotional wreck of a girl.  We ended up having fun playing a board game and planning some upcoming episodes but my confidence is shot.

   
   I want so badly to communicate the wonderful world and stories that I’m envisioning in my head, to let the players live in that world, but I get bogged down in anxiety and mechanics.

   
   I’m supposed to be running this Eclipse Phase story for my Saturday night group.  I have such cool ideas for it and now I just don’t think I could take another flop trying to come off of these two.  What if I’m just no good at this?  What if I’m no good at this, think I’m doing fine, and no one tells me that I’m not good at it?  What if this never gets any easier?

   
   My beau just tells me to relax, to do less planning, to just let things work themselves out and roll with it.  Does my complete inability to make that strategy work mean I will always be bad at this?

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