1. 6 months ago 

   Character Frustrations

   I always start the process with high aspirations:

   I’m going to play a great-grandmother (by marriage since no Nova in the Aberrant world has had children) who falls in the pool and gets awesome water and healing powers.  She feels young again.  She feels clear-headed and hopeful for the first time in a very long time!

   I’m going to play an artist, she just wants to create beauty.  She lives on a beach and has a simple life.

   I’m going to play a depressed call center employee.  She goes to kill herself, fails, and errupts during the emotional turmoil following.  She doesn’t know if she should be angry at the universe for making her live or in awe of the new ability she has making life so much better than it was.

   I’m going to play a bookworm school teacher who errupts when a sudden storm capsizes the boat during a field trip.  They’re near shore but everyone waiting there seems to just be standing there instead of helping.  She makes them help.  Then she saves everyone but two kids.  Two.  She feels a little overwhelmed with her new powers.  When does a person’s free will not matter?  How many does she have to save to erase the memory of those two kids and having to face their parents?

   I have considered all of these characters today and always come back to the same problem, my limitations.  All of these things are far removed from my personal experience.

   I know nothing of what it is like to be old.  I have been fortunate to have met all but two of my great-grandparents (even counting an extra pair because of a step-grandma).  They (and my grandparents) were young when I was born.  I have watched them grow old from middle age.  I have watched one waste away from Parkinsons.  I have watched another do so from Alzheimers.  I have seen one struggle with depression in her final years and finally succumb to old age and fall injuries.  I have seen one die of a heart attack.  I have watched them become dependent and burdensome on their children and grandchildren.  I have loved them and feared them.  More than that, I have feared ending up like that.  I have tried to understand what they are experiencing and so ease my anxiety that they are suffering.  I have looked into their eyes and tried so hard to understand.  I have read books written by people in the early stages of Alzheimers.  I have read books by their caretakers in an effert to understand.

   And perhaps in another effort to soothe my fears I find the idea of playing a character who comes back from that exciting.  At first there would be a great joyin the novelties of health, clarity, and vigour.  Then there would be a lot of questions.  What does this mean for her longevity?  How does she feel about her powers and her life once the powers aren’t new anymore?  How does she feel about her family and how do they feel about her now?

   I find it interesting to think about those things, but can I play them out?  Will I be horribly misrepresting things?  Can I tap into the motivations and thoughts of this character that I’ve created that is so ulike me?  Can I make her viable in-game, strong, quick, quickwitted, intelligent?

   Should I not play her because of these things?

   I have these questions about every single one of those characters above.  I could make me but I’m just not interested in that.  I’m me every single day of my life.  I don’t want to be me all the time.

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