PizzaGirl's Alter Ego

2 weeks ago

Reaper’s Very Assisted Suicide

Being fairly new to RPGs and having had every game before this fall apart in a matter of sessions, I have just now passed what I consider to be a milestone, my first PC death.

My GM, myself, and another player spent a good part of last night talking about why she died and the mistakes that each PC (including me) made that led them to that point. We’re a new group, so I really appreciate this type of discussion.

To understand what went wrong I must first describe Reaper a little and how she died. We are playing Aberrant (in a slightly alternate timeline from the fluff in the book) and Reaper, born Penelope, was a party girl who erupted when she tried to kill herself with a drug overdose. She was angry at the world for not letting her die and she got entropy and time-controlling powers out of the deal. Reaper tended to treat people in authority with a lot of suspicion and mockery. She did things just to shock people and she had a hard time opening up to anyone. I know, as a player, that she could be obnoxious and I know that it was my failure as a player to reign her in. I would get in this mode where it was impossibly for me to do anything but be exactly her. But, I was working with the GM to grow her. We were working on Reaper’s anger issues as well as her trusting people. I, as a player, was making progress in playing a three-dimensional person who grows instead of a caricature of a person. Which is when things went to shit plot-wise…

Reaper stumbled on a family secret which involved a global conspiracy and a lot of nasty stuff. Not knowing really what to do she called in her “friends”, the other PCs (i.e. I took the plot hooks that meant bringing in the rest of the group rather than doing what the character would probably actually do which is to say, “Fuck you, dad, you can have your family secrets now that your dead, it’s not like you treated me like family when you were alive” and walking away). She also had met someone who she believed to have the power to predict the future (precog) and forsee mentally (not precog) the consequences of complex sets of actions. She trusted that he was trying to save novas (people with superpowers) and that he needed as much data as possible in order to be able to do so, so she sent him the data as she got it. Fast forward quite a bit, it wasn’t her data, a “man in black” showed up to demand the data, another PC threw me in front of the train by volunteering that he knew that I had sent the data to someone else, yet another PC had read my mind without my permission and actually knew who it was and had called the “man in black” behind our backs to tell him we had the data, Reaper wanted assurances that if they cooperated the recipients of the data wouldn’t be hurt, she also wanted to know what was going to happen from there, the “man in black” ran out of patience with Reaper’s “bitchiness” (GM’s words) with that last question and kicked Reaper’s head in.

That’s it. Game over. PC dead.

I know that Reaper (my) actions directly caused this and yet it is hard to be put in a situation where the character on her own can not genuinely do anything else and where all of the progress that my character had made was not relevant to the situation.

Maybe I’m just making excuses saying that my character would not have seen or understood the complexities of the situation when in reality it was me, the player who did not understand. Has being punished for it made me learn my lesson? What about the other players who chose to leave Reaper in front of a speeding train instead of pushing her out of the way? One tried to warn me (but was also the person who called the “man in black” behind the group’s back), one decided to stand up with me when it came to a fight (shout out to Cliff who reconstructed Reaper’s face and carried around her dead body for most of the session), one decided to observe and maybe fight, and two teleported out at the first hint that something was going wrong.

I have a new character and we worked on making her a unifying force in the group. I am letting go of the betrayal that Reaper felt right before she died. I am letting go of Reaper’s dysfunctional relationships with the other PCs (and everyone in the whole world). It’s time for me to practice playing someone who doesn’t fuck shit up and alienate everyone.

4 weeks ago

A New Year

Here are my goals, out there so that I remember them…

Lose 30 pounds. Over the last two years I’ve puffed up from 149 to nearly 180. It’s distressing mostly because I see that big round 200 looming and I’d like to get back to the nicer 150. To help me with that I’ve got some smaller goals:

No soda at work (even diet soda).
Don’t take an elevator, take the stairs.
Less beer (even when I can afford it).
Less fried foods.
Less sweets. I’ve gotten in the habit of needing “desert” with every meal and the cupcakes and brownies have stacked up.
Go for a walk twice a week (at least).
Less junk pizza.

Over 52 weeks that’s 1/2 a pound a week to reach my goal, which is about 1700 calorie deficit a week which is about 250 calories a day which is really not going to be that hard once I deprogram my body from wanting so much sugar.

2 months ago

Maybe We Shouldn’t Just Drive

I had an eye-opening experience this weekend. It was Friday night and date-night. We had decided to go get some pho at the Vietnamese Cajun place near me. I wanted to walk and my beau said he didn’t want to walk because the last time we went walking I had a hard time, I didn’t feel good and my back hurt a lot. Even after protesting that I was never going to get to the point where I didn’t hurt so much unless I exercised more, he said it was too far (looked it up today and it’s a little under 2 miles) and we ended up driving.

I wanted to cry. He didn’t think I could do it. Or he didn’t think I could do it without becoming a miserable complaining wreck. I know that he was thinking a lot on the fact that I wouldn’t enjoy the walk and dinner, but that mean voice in my head says that he didn’t want to deal with me, that he doesn’t care about my weight loss and fitness goals and the fact that starting is always the hardest and that it only takes one person to say “Are you sure you don’t want to drive there? It will be faster and easier!” to make me forget all about wanting to be healthy.

That mean voice also tells me that I’ll never be healthy again, that my willpower will always undermine me and that I will always be fat and out of shape. Those people that say “you can do it” don’t know how easily I forget and give up on things.

2 months ago

"She didn’t say anything in return but tried to arrange her face and body to convey “did I ask who the fuck you are?” and “I am this close to throwing you down and melting your testicles into goo” with just a hint of “You’re hot enough for me to forgive this minor transgression if you cease being sleazy right now and talk to me like you think I’m a person."

Notes: 1 / 4 months ago

"Never quenched. Though I am doused in you, I burn. The motion of your turning head is like a song. Is like a spark. Is like a breath that billows me and fans to flame a fire that cannot help but spread and roar your name."

- Kvothe to Felurian in The Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss page 634-635

Tagged:
The Wise Man's Fear

4 months ago

After two nights back to back GMing where things didn’t go well my confidence has definitely taken a plunge.

First, Tuesday night, I ran a quick Gamma World one shot. I know it isn’t the best or most creative; it was more an exercise in putting something together. I’d run this once before and it was a lot of fun, but this time our usual GM was a player and he was on his cell phone the whole time and it just started getting to me. I couldn’t tell if anyone else was having fun. I was sortof having fun but was trying to figure out why he just wouldn’t interact with the game.

Character Frustrations

I always start the process with high aspirations:

I’m going to play a great-grandmother (by marriage since no Nova in the Aberrant world has had children) who falls in the pool and gets awesome water and healing powers. She feels young again. She feels clear-headed and hopeful for the first time in a very long time!

I’m going to play an artist, she just wants to create beauty. She lives on a beach and has a simple life.

I’m going to play a depressed call center employee. She goes to kill herself, fails, and errupts during the emotional turmoil following. She doesn’t know if she should be angry at the universe for making her live or in awe of the new ability she has making life so much better than it was.

I’m going to play a bookworm school teacher who errupts when a sudden storm capsizes the boat during a field trip. They’re near shore but everyone waiting there seems to just be standing there instead of helping. She makes them help. Then she saves everyone but two kids. Two. She feels a little overwhelmed with her new powers. When does a person’s free will not matter? How many does she have to save to erase the memory of those two kids and having to face their parents?

I have considered all of these characters today and always come back to the same problem, my limitations. All of these things are far removed from my personal experience.

I know nothing of what it is like to be old. I have been fortunate to have met all but two of my great-grandparents (even counting an extra pair because of a step-grandma). They (and my grandparents) were young when I was born. I have watched them grow old from middle age. I have watched one waste away from Parkinsons. I have watched another do so from Alzheimers. I have seen one struggle with depression in her final years and finally succumb to old age and fall injuries. I have seen one die of a heart attack. I have watched them become dependent and burdensome on their children and grandchildren. I have loved them and feared them. More than that, I have feared ending up like that. I have tried to understand what they are experiencing and so ease my anxiety that they are suffering. I have looked into their eyes and tried so hard to understand. I have read books written by people in the early stages of Alzheimers. I have read books by their caretakers in an effert to understand.

And perhaps in another effort to soothe my fears I find the idea of playing a character who comes back from that exciting. At first there would be a great joyin the novelties of health, clarity, and vigour. Then there would be a lot of questions. What does this mean for her longevity? How does she feel about her powers and her life once the powers aren’t new anymore? How does she feel about her family and how do they feel about her now?

I find it interesting to think about those things, but can I play them out? Will I be horribly misrepresting things? Can I tap into the motivations and thoughts of this character that I’ve created that is so ulike me? Can I make her viable in-game, strong, quick, quickwitted, intelligent?

Should I not play her because of these things?

I have these questions about every single one of those characters above. I could make me but I’m just not interested in that. I’m me every single day of my life. I don’t want to be me all the time.

5 months ago

"They took it as calmly as ever in spite of the fact that he accused them of things I’m sure no donkey has ever willingly done, especially not Beta, who possessed impeccable moral character."

- The Name of The Wind by Patrick Rothfuss of 106

5 months ago

I have the best brother and the best beau

Mama: Yesterday was his 1st day as a latch key kid & he forgot to call Mom. When I got there he was chillin in the basement in his underwear watching tv.
Me: lol. He has clearly learned the first lesson of being awesome: remove pants whenever feasible. 
Mama: He HATES wearing pants.. He would go to school in just his undies if they would let him
 ------------------------------------
Me: You do know that in my head, you are the IT guy who could fix anything, right? And that I am currently fantasizing about you fixing my Outlook and Impromptu. 
Adam: I don't even know what impromptu is 
Me: doesn't matter. In my head I'm trading sexual favors to you to fix it.
Adam: I can figure out what Impromptu is

6 months ago

Damon: Anal can take care of that. 12:11 PM 
Me: can take care of the butterflies in my stomach? 12:15 PM 
Damon: It will definitely take your mind off your stomach! 12:16 PM 
Me: I don't think [he] is down for sticking it in my butt 12:17 PM 
Damon: No you peg him! 12:18 PM 
Me: I definitely don't want to go anywhere near his butt. He has digestive issues. 12:19 PM 
Damon: Lol! I wish I knew how to capture my screen for this conversation. 12:21 PM 
Me: home and shoulder button at the same time 12:21 PM 
Me: wait... why the fuck did I just tell you that? You're going to capture this conversation now, aren't you? 12:22 PM 
Damon: No. 12:22 PM 
Damon: But it is nice to know. 12:22 PM